I’ve spoken about semi-serious topics before regarding jobs and growing up. However, this post is a little different to what I’m used to posting.
As many know I took the leap of leaving the safety of home and I resigned from my job to pursue a career in London. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out and since then I’ve been trying to find my way back onto my career path.
When I first got back home at the beginning of August, I felt so defeated, like I had failed not only myself but my friends and family. I barely left my room or as I call it ‘The Pit of Despair’, I didn’t want to see anybody, I literally just wanted to sleep my life away.
After a week of self-wallowing, I needed to try and figure out what I was going to do. I got more organised and started to plan more for my blog and YouTube Channel. I started looking for different jobs again and I still wanted to stick to the plan of finding a job I enjoyed even if the pay was lower. I wanted a job I enjoyed until I found one I loved in my degree.
While I was looking for jobs I managed to get some paid work with TwoFour Group which was amazing because it gave me the opportunity to earn some money and get more experience in jobs related to my degree. Whilst I was doing my weeks work I was offered a job trial in Surrey working as a competition groom for an International Rider. Even better she offered to pay me for my trial.
Things seemed to be looking a bit better for myself, I was starting to feel less useless and that things may start getting better. I finished my weeks work with TwoFour and they thanked me for my time and said to keep an eye out for any more work. The beginning of September I set off for my 3-day trial in Surrey, the job was lovely but just wasn’t for me and it made me realise that just because you love something doesn’t mean you’ll love it as a job.
The saying ‘don’t make your hobby your job’ was completely true in this instance. I let the employer know on the second day I didn’t think it was for me and we agreed for me to not finish the trial and she’d pay me for my time of £150 as it was £75 per day. But unfortunately, this left me again feeling useless and lost and in the end, I was only paid £100 for my work. Which has resulted in me being short of money and now in a state of blind panic as like many others I have bills to pay.
So it’s been just over a month since coming back from London and I feel like i’ve come full circle, I still feel like I’ve let people down, mainly myself, and it’s mainly my own thoughts getting to me. Fortunately, I was able to have a heart to heart with one of my closest friends which has allowed me to release some of these built up emotions.
I simply said to her “I’m struggling so bad right now”, which her reply was that I’m not alone. I poured all my emotions to her because if I didn’t I would have just burst. I said how amazing I was feeling when we received our results like I was literally on top of the world. I know it’s a learning curve but I literally feel useless not working, getting myself into debt to pay my bills and it’s given me insomnia, I literally don’t sleep at night because my brain won’t let me.
“I feel like I’m drowning”
It was the only way I could describe it. However, despite all the struggles I feel like I’m facing, I know it’s ok to feel like you’re lost and struggling and I want you to know it’s ok to feel this way. I’ve always been the person to be there for everyone without a second thought, always lending a helping hand or giving advice. Yet when it comes to myself I allow my thoughts to eat away at me at night resulting in feeling like the world is against me. Feeling like I’m failing at life or not going to make it through the dark days and my worst enemy is myself.
In life, there will be dark days and there will be light days, don’t let those dark days overshadow the light. If you let the darkness overshadow you, you may never find out what is at the end of that light.
I’m still learning about life, I’ve been on the low, now I’m just waiting for my high. Life is just too short, it’s ok to be struggling as long as you come out fighting the other side.
“Never never never give up.” – Winston Churchill
Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up.
I have written down as many suicide prevention lines as I could possibly find, if you need help, give one a ring.
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